It’s hard to describe the severity the emotional experience of depression brings. After I feel like I’m making progress in plowing through my derpression, I experience a day like today, where I feel such severe emotions from my past, bursting out of my heart, as if it will explode. The experience is not from the typical array of emotions that human beings experience, hence the term “abnormal” psychology.
But what concerns me is not feeling like I”m in control of the depression. To feel that I don’t have a handle on it, to not feel that emotional stability. To experiences days where I do feel like i’m in emotional control, where the extreme emotions are subsided and I’m able to function and work and interact at a fairly acceptable levels, and pray my prayers without having the depression dehabilitate me where I can’t do any of it and must wholeheartedly face it.
I’m just trying to understand what happened today to make it so outrageous, because I have been experiencing some of the greatest progresses I have ever experienced in finally getting a handle on the depression and starting to feel the light at the end of the tunnel. I’m just thinking to myself, “what did I do to make the depression get so uncontrollable where i felt so completely awful and so much pain bursting ad jolting from the depths of my heart and soul. It was as if the depression or my “true self” is begging me for attention, and if I don’t face it wholeheartedly, authentically, and compassionately, and stay with myself, then the depression seems to always wind out of control, where I”m stuck and unable to interact and do things that I would normally want to do. To where my conclusions and outlooks on things are completely tainted and engulfed in pain, to just the day before, what I said and how I thought about things is radically different then how I viewed it in the midst of the depressive episode.
It baffles me and concerns me that this depression is so strong, that not even my prayers can calm me down at times, except occasionally. That I have to authentically identify what the source of the depression is, and feel the truth of the source, and to not shove it away, and to be truthful and authentic with it. And to stay with it. It’s tough, and there have been times where I feel that I will not be able to climb out.
But what did disengage my severe depression today, was after I got home, I had to go to my room, lie on the bed, and just feel the truth of it, wholeheartedly. And I stayed with it without judgment, just feeling it, focusing on it, without anything else. And then I felt slightly better, and the depression was disengaged a bit. And I was thinking clearer. But I’m not going to lie, how severe it can get is traumatizing.