December 24th was my 35th birthday. Birthday’s were a huge part of my life growing up. Being the center of attention, and the precious son of my overprotective and extremely spoiling mother.
I got a a package from my mom. She bought me a “happy birthday gift.” After going through the most severe disabling depression ever. I opened the gift, and looked at the card, and I just sat there and looked at.
A happy bday gift? looks like it. But my reaction was not happy.
I went up to my room, and just looked at my gift. Feeling some severe emotions stir up. I then had a surge and complete burst of emotion and wailing. tears, tears tears, pain pain pain, moaning from the emotional burst out of my heart, so much emotion it wasn’t even funny.not tears of joy, tears of pain coming out of a soul that has been undergoing the most horrific emotional prison of depression. I was so exhausted afterwards. But nevertheless, the tears are always helpful for my depression. Tears soften my heart and get me in touch with myself, as opposed to the despair, anger, and all other misdirected ugly emotions that make me the most miserable person.
I wasn’t sure exactly what it was that triggered it, but for sure it had something to do with my depression. Something about having the ideal life, having a mom who truly loves me, and showed it by showering me with mountains of gifts, and pampering and spoiling, yet, bringing with it a severe hurt. Hurt from her own emotional issues and upbringing that set me up for depression. This love from mom hurts more than I can describe. It’s a traumatic love. Most of the time, I’m not even aware of the extreme hurt. It is hidden deep inside.
As I opened my gift from mom and dad, I read the message. I was barely breathing lying on the floor drained from the emotional release, saying to myself with tears of hope, that I have to go on, I hope things will improve. Just repeating that with tears.