I checked into hotel iitikaaf today. I carried my pillow and blanket into the masjid along with a small bag.
I was nervous coming in. Its just me and Quran. Nothing else. Been fighting and dealing with this Jinn influence the past year feeling both awful and amazing reading quran. Feeling like a believe and then I not. How extreme the emotions have been. I know Quran is the answer but I dont want to feel those awful emotions. This is where the struggle is.
Started off rough. I felt funny reading quran and then got stuck in a rut feeling confused about the Rahmah of Allah in Surah Asr. I felt like I wouldnt be able to handle it.
I went home and before maghrib something happened that caused my despair and sadness eelings to be so severe. I had to turn to my secret weapon, Surah Yusuf.
Through reading, I felt so amazing. Feeling true heart felt iman and beliefs of old getting resolved through my beloved surah Yusuf. No tool is more effective at adresseing our emotional trauma and establishing a healthy loving relationship with our Rabb than this magnificent surah. Its made for you and me.
Tarawih was very solid khushu connection with some pressure and botheration towards end. But pretty much felt my heart flowing with khushu and beautiful feelings of awe standing in prayer.
I slept in the masjid till tahajjud prayer, and the feelings of sheer awe of how powerful the words were.. It was feelings of strong khushu and awe. The words were irresistible.
But then halfway through I started feeling hesitancies and feeling pressured in believing where i was feeling nervous if I would maintain the focus and feelings. Then I felt it difficult to believe, feeling weird pressures and I was nervous ready for it to be over.
We just ate kabsa for Suhoor and awkwardness feeling foreign to all the other Saudi brothers. Felt nervous asking for a spoon.
I still feel nervous I guess from how tahajjud ended up making me feel.
I had to go outside to warm up because the masjid is so cold.
We prayed fajr with ayat about the worshippers of Rahman. May Allah make us from them.