During my sister’s wedding this weekend, there was the great opportunity of meeting with all the family and catching up. It was kind of nice caravaning together to reach the Walima.
Almost the entire weekend, I was consistently making mistakes in directions. I would take one road, and it would be the wrong direction. I was shocked at how many times I was making a mistake in driving. It was mind blowing, because I lived in the Northern Virginia Area for over 10 years. I find that anxiety takes a toll on our memory, our ability to remember things such as directions. It becomes a big blur, and you don’t feel as sharp with navigating like in the past.
Anyways, I noticed that I feel pressured when I was taking the lead in guiding the caravan. I was supposed to know the directions the best, because afterall, this is my town and we’re going to my sisters house. But for the 5th or so time however, I took a wrong turn, and I led a couple cars behind me the opposite direction for at least 7-8 miles. When my Uncle pointed out that we’re heading north based on the sun set, it hit me that we were heading the wrong direction. I felt a surge of embarassment and shame, that I was misguiding everybody. I felt so awful inside, that I couldn’t talk. I felt consumed by my constant mistakes, and felt so humiliated and embarassed that I’m not competent enough to get our family to the right place without messing up.
I don’t think my uncle or anybody minded, but it was an internal thing. I felt super relieved when we made it there, to see that the rest of the caravan had just arrived the same time as we did. I felt relieved that we didn’t show up much later so I wouldn’t be called out. One of my cousins commented saying, “I took another route, cuz I lost trust in you when we went in the other direction.” He was following another car as well, and he was saying it jokingly, but of course I took it on myself in a negative way.
This event illustrated yet another insecurity I have inside. If people don’t see me competent, they will see me as worthless. They won’t think good of me, and will disrespect me. It all comes down to the same recurring theme of people perceiving me as being a worthless person.
So how much have you uncovered about your beliefs? Let me know in the comments. I hope that some of these writings are helping you to see through to yourself in what is going on deep within yourselves.