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This is what I was feeling towards the latter part of the day. It was again a paralyzing day, with a shaitanic influence feeling the most ridiculous amounts of stress, anxiety, paranoia from punishment, disablement, and kufr feelings and ideas bombardment, evil feelings, and sickness pretty much all day today. When I tried reading Quran, I felt so much paranoia and turning off from stress that I thought I would never be able to reverse the damage done that has been to my relationship with the quran, and my downfall in iman, and applying all the condemning ayat to myself. Never feeling so helpless and unable to budge out of this paralysis and trap of not feeling connected to the book.
I make it to the gym, swim and feel a little bit of stress relief, but again, bombardment feelings of being punished, everybody and everything for every little thing will be punished, bombarding with ayat to “prove” the point. Feeling like I’m going to be overcome with these thoughts and feelings.
But I took my family’s advice, and tried believing them in the midst of this downfall. That I can and just hope that things can improve with the Quran. And hope in Allah that they can. So don’t worry about that. But I think, “they don’t know the severe damage that has incurred to my iman,” It certainly doesn’t feel like anything can be done.” But what else can I do after experiencing this. Complaining about it, getting more down about it, getting upset and worried hasn’t helped the situation. This morning, feeling severe emotional thoughts, and difficulty in fajr, I feel that I have to only keep on reading more Quran to fight. But after reading nearly 1.5 hrs and not feeling it let down, that’s when I got upset, and concluding negative things, and then dealt with the shaitanic thoughts and feelings more, where it was difficult to function. Where little things were blown out of proportion, where my feelings were out of control, and over reacting severely, to extreme levels, like mentioning the sheikh I used to attend make me feel extremely upset. But after my experience at isha time, those emotional experiences seem under bay, and not so crazy.
I wanted to write about this experience to make it known, especially to myself, that yes, I may have felt that my iman was completely ruined and relationship with Quran tarnished to unreversible levels, but no, it wasn’t the case. I experienced truly, that just like that, at the drop of a hat, like magic, I felt the khushu’ come back and I even led the salah, feeling more normalized again. And it wasn’t anything of me doing much, except trying to remain hopeful that my quran can improve in the midst of the pits of darkness and waswaseh. And then leaving the feelings and thoughts. It’s possible. And it happened.