بسم الله الرحمن الرحيم
When you are a golden spoon child, parents are everything. When you are smothered, spoiled, the absolute center of attention of love and enjoyment by the two primary caregivers, without any healthy relationships outside the nuclear family, that is when parents and their beliefs and views get ingrained in the children. And it’s nearly impossible to undo. At least, I haven’t figured it out yet. If there is a way to undo it, then rest assured that I will spread the answer from the east to the west.
Most of these emotions are set deep in the unconscious, where I’m unable to pinpoint why exactly I feel the way I feel. And that lack of awareness, or inabilty to alter the course of my emotions makes this condition seem all the more unsurmountable.
I was with my dad for most of today, and it was fine, aside from the usual depression emotions. It was fine that is ,until we went to the hot tub. There were two guys there, and the ambience was naturally set to have some natural guy conversation. I was being myself, just conversing, curious, talking like I would if I didn’t feel any depression. And things were going fine. My dad joined us a little after I got in the hot tub, because he went to the sauna first.
We were talking about ski slopes, since we were after-all at the largest ski resort in North America. It was pretty good convo, that is until my depression got in the way after some comments made by my dad.
My dad isn’t much of a conversationalist, when it comes down to guy talk. He’s really good at certain types of discussion, like when talking with his medical patients. He also knows how to make things lively and fun. But when it comes to serious discussions, or just “guy” type discussions, something is missing. It’s not a big deal in the grand scheme of things, but for sure, my emotions are negatively affected somehow by it.
I was telling the guys how it took about an hour and a half to get from Vancouver to Whistler by bus. And then my Dad in a dismissing kind of way corrected me and told them, “nah it takes about two hours.” Then he laughingly said, “You wouldn’t know, you were sleeping.”
While this comment doesn’t seem like much, it really really negatively affected me. It ruined my mood and I immediately experienced a deep, unconscious depression reaction. It just really really hurt me. His dismissal, even though it was completely unintentional. I just don’t know…
Then a little later on, we were talking about different ski resorts, and the prices for lift tickets. They were joking, that Whistler is one of the most expensive ones, with a price of $130 / day. I remembered our local Ski Resort, and I remember my dad telling me the prices are up to $100+ as well. But then when I was asking him in front of the other guys, he was making it seem like it was much cheaper over on the east coast as compared to where we were. Like I felt silly because I had that idea, even though I got that idea from my dad. Then when I wanted to talk the guys about skiing and stuff over on the east coast, I felt almost as if I wasn’t able to, because my dad was making it seem like talking about a ski resort like snowshoe is silly when we were in Whistler, the best Ski Resort in North America.
I know these may seem like minor things at face value, but these things coming from my dad really felt like clear cut depression triggers. It put me in a terrible mood and I was no longer able to enjoy the hot tub. I didn’t feel like hanging around my dad anymore, and I wanted to separate myself. I no longer wanted to lead him in prayer, nor converse, smile, or laugh at what he had to say. I didn’t want to eat dinner with him.
At that point, I just got out of the hot tub and left, without saying anything. Then I went back to the room, and just laid down on my pull-out bed. My dad came back up a few minutes later, and said, “good feeling?” I barely acknowledged him. He mentioned prayer, and I told him i wasn’t feeling well. And then I told him, “I’m going to get some food, I’m still hungry.” And I left. I probably will go back now, and pray and rest on the bed and deal with this depression trigger until I fall asleep. But tomorrow is a full day with my father, spending time together skiing. I imagine that I’ll be back to my sustained depression, without the trigger I experienced tonight. But it surely would be nice if I could actually get over these emotions and have a healthy emotional state for good.
I just hope and pray that I can be a healthy male role model to my children. Guys and girls need good role models. May Allah allow us to be role models.
اللهم هب لنا من أزواجنا و ذريتنا قرة أعين و اجعلنا للمتقين إماما
Oh Allah, provide for us comfort in our spouses, and make us leaders and role models for the God Conscious.