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I’ve been stuck in the gutter for the past maybe year engulfed in obsessions with punishments, and accountability. I think about Allah and the afterlife all day long. But you will not find anybody more miserable. I think negative things about Allah and somehow punishing or being held accountable. It is misery always finding some evidence in Islam that makes me question the immense Rahmah of Allah and I have grown so bitter and despairing that I’ve been very irrational unfortunately. It feels very difficult to pull out of this pit and turn around my thinking to the positive.
Maybe the reason why I’ve despaired so badly and been so obsessed with punishments and all the details has to do with something else though. Maybe there’s a core issue at play? The one that I had all my life, that has manifested in Islam? The idea that I do something wrong, and then get rejected for it, or be considered not good. “Not good if I do something wrong. Only if I can I do something, will I be something, will I be good.”
Hearing again and again in the Quran about, “if you do this wrong, you will be punished.`’ is in essence saying the same thing, isn’t it? I feel the animosity and resentment from this idea simmered so severely today as I was so angry at anything wrong, feeling complete despair at doing something wrong. that it was ridiculous. Everything from paying with my left hand, to looking at people who are smoking, to emails from wonderful, positive nonmuslims, it felt as if everybody in the world was going to be punished, I couldn’t rationalise whatsoever any mentioning of a sin or kafir, it was a blindness due to the despair. and it was terrible. Even hearing the mention of kafir made me extremely upset and angered.
My prayers were severely effected today. to the point where I felt that i don’t deserve to even stand in prayer, with this severe despair towards Allah.
Is that why I’ve gone to extremes in looking at everything with disgust as being not allowed or haram? Or I have overly focused and obsessed over specific punishments so much over and over again, which ends up denying Rahman altogether? auzhubillah. To be in the state where you feel you can’t even pray because of so much despair built up. Feeling doubtful about climbing out.
If the truth of my obsession with punishment is simply the extremely hurtful wound that I never resolved from my past, which is, “If I do something wrong, then I’m bad and unaccepted.” If that is channeled and I free Allah of this completely, then if I know that it’s just my despair caused from my unresolved wounds with my mom, that rooted this initial despair over myself to begin with, and just realise that is why I hate the mentioning of punishment, that I always feel that she would say something is wrong, and I felt I never could do something wrong. Out of being so tired of hearing her always finding something wrong and saying it should be done “this way.” And I took it personally as if it’s because of me, that everything is wrong, so if I just don’t do things wrong, then you’ll be okay. And here comes Allah with do’s and don’ts, and saying not to do certain things that could end up in hellfire, doesn’t that bring up the same wound and resentment and festering more till I take punishment so upsettingly that I start going irrational with it from the despair, and call and label everything haram and everyone as doomed?