I bounce between productive pain and unproductive pain from day to day. This has been happening for at least a month. When I am in unproductive pain, I feel terrible. Because it is directed to the wrong source.
When my pain is directed to the proper source, man oh man do I feel relieved. Yes, granted I do feel emotional pain, but at least the pain is placed in the correct place. And the truth of my heart’s pain is manifest. This to me is a type of progress.
What are my two “sources” of emotional pain? Allah and Mommy. The incorrect source is Allah. The correct source is my mother. My deeply rooted pains from childhood oftentimes get manifested with Allah, and I emotionally make the same conclusions again. And an irrationality overcomes me that makes it difficult to function in my religion.
“He didn’t think I was good enough.”
“He didn’t consider my efforts were good enough.”
“He might not accept me.”
“I might be doing something wrong.”
“He will reject me.”
All of this has come about due to my performance-based self esteem issues developed and buried deep within me. And they have come out with Allah.
Sometimes, the pain becomes clear to me, that it came from my mom. And when it is directed straight to her, then things become more normal, and I become a MUCH more healthier person. But when I get stuck in my irrationality, man oh man does life become bitter and nearly impossible to practice my religion in a healthy way.