Well folks. It’s been a while since we last met. There has been the dooziest experiences I’ve had since last post 6 weeks ago. Let’s just say I wasn’t aware that life could get so miserable, even if you were dealing with depression; even if you have the Quran & Islam.
Despair in your soul will make you more miserable then can be described. I have dealt with anxiety, ocd, and depression on and off for a while, but the past few months I have never seen the likes of. I have dealt with the most severe disabling, depression that I have ever experienced. I also experienced, some of the most bizzarre and strange emotions never I have gone through. There have been days where I literally felt I wasn’t going to make it, because the emotions were out of control and were so incredibly bad.
Thank God that I am able to maintain rationality and a semblance of control in my life, despite the terrible emotional state I deal with.
After talking to some brothers here, I was encouraged that there is some type of emotional influence outside of my normal emotions. And it is the only thing that can explain some of the strangest emotions I have experienced. It comes and goes, although it comes very frequently, and goes very seldomly.
Well it’s helpful to know why you feel so strange at times, but what’s more important is getting better and getting cured. And if you are affected with something that alters your emotions, be it the touch of the devil, or, the evil eye, or hasad. then you should get some hope with Quran curing.
The only problem is, with my situation, my quran has become so weak, and my motivation and ideas about Allah have become tampered with, that it’s hard to feel that cure from the Quran. I mean, if you have despaired so severely, feel all negativity and condemning ayat apply to you, then how much room will there be for developing a healthy opinion of God, that He is the most compassionate, and that he never would punish or make you feel pushed away from Him, or make you feel that He doesn’t want to help you. I feel that I personally have lost too much hope in myself, and in my Rabb being the most compassionate, that I am suffering with a weak quran and a very demotivated desire to continue in reading and learning. That’s my own personal source of anguish, that if I felt was resolved internally, that I would feel more confident, like I used to feel for so many years.
Like the people of knowledge say, losing hope in the compassion of God causes you to lost all motivation, stop acting, and opens you up ot shaitan, something I unfortunately am still struggling with.
I also have noticed that most people with depression, end up concluding these types of things, because of the amount of bad feelings they have inside them, and the little amount of good feelings they have in Islam and Quran readings.
Then the cycle continues. You go and ask a sheikh for help with this, and they notice that there may be a psychological problem, and then recommend making dua and keeping trying, and also go see a psychologist. It makes sense, because naturally, they can’t relate to such emotions, and it’s not normal to feel those things. Then after that, you go see a psychiatrist, who makes you feel invalidated, that you are just mentally insane, and don’t take you seriously, and just tell you to take medications, which make you feel ostracized.
Then when you try taking the medications, and notice yourself feeling much worse and even more disabled, you go back and ask for help, and they tell you, “you have a brain disease, and I wish I had a better solution, but getting off the medication won’t help you remove the disease.” You tell them that it’s gotten much worse with medication, then they say, “well, it’s not established you were feeling any better without the medication, and you were suffering anyways. And there is a difference between side effects and your disease of anxiety.”
What!? excuse me Doctor? It’s not “established?” Umm, yes it is. I’m telling you from my own feelings I feel worse!
Then you become more angry and frustrated with these attitudes and you get stuck in the psychiatric feedback loop, which further makes you feel worse, and not in touch with yourself. And lost more confidence and hope in yourself and becoming normal again. This is the vicious cycle of psychiatry.
I can safely say, that so far, my medicine experiences have not been very helpful, they have made my condition considerably worse, especially this last time, when I went up to 30 mg. of paroxetine. Feeling like your brain is mush and dysfuncitonal, where you feel sick that you don’t want to get out of bed all day, and feel too impotent to even get up and make yourself some food, and enjoy and do stuff for your kids is not my idea of a cure. Sure, “it gets worse, then it gets better.” That is a great idea if I could actually feel better from this medicine. But the reality I’ve experienced, is antithetical to this.
I do very much wish that medicine was able to consistently play an effective role in helping the emotions to stablize. But with the world of psychiatry being limited to the physical mind alone, ignoring the spirit and existence of any other influences makes it a tricky thing to deal with.
For sure, dealing with patients, and treating them like honorable, serious human beings is probably the hardest thing to do for a shrink that sees sick people all day, and may make them think that they are just cookoo for cocoa puffs, and it’s very easy to write off all their ideas as delusions and attribute it to their “brain disease.” But I know from experiencing some of the worst emotional experiences, that this attitude and psychology trap doesn’t make things better for us. Being put into these psychological “boxes” of mental sickness does nothing but make you feel worse about yourself, and your ability to feeling normal.
I was reveling the other night night, when I noticed myself feel almost completely normal, after the longest time. Feeling my mind being pretty cleared. not feeling any sense of depression, or weird ideas about the world, God, and mercy and punishment. I just was feeling great. And I have been tapering off my medication to a mere 5 mg. of Paroxetine. I called my mom and told her the news about my feelings of normalcy, and it was great.