Prayed fajr today, uncomfortable feeling distance and burning feelings in my chest and head. I read Surah Kahf to Hajj. For most of the reading, it was quite disturbing, feeling deadness if I don’t believe in any of the words. And the feeling wasn’t budging. When this feeling doesn’t budge, it makes me feel really scared, because I feel that nothing is going to work to make me feel normal again. Towards the end, I was slightly feeling some release of the disbelief feelings.
I did something different today. I took my son to the park and we played frisbee and played with the water sprinklers. But rather than enjoying it, I was feeling severe feelings of sadness and despair. I had old memories coming back from my childhood, a childhood filled outdoors activities and fun times. I have departed so far away from that lifestyle. I am very inactive, lacking energy, suffering with stress and anxiety on a daily basis, etc.. I eventually started feeling my eyes tearing up, and tears of sadness started flowing. A piece of myself was left behind in my childhood. Something about how many family was, always into “enjoying life” and doing fun things, caused me to lose a part of me. That’s where the tears were coming from.
At this point, I was feeling so extremely bogged down by despair feelings, I didn’t know what to do. I felt my heart was completely bolt-heavy and completely saturated with despair. A type of despair that makes me feel I can’t continue practicing Islam, let alone be a full time Islamic Studies student.
I dragged my feet to Zhuhr, and I was devoid of any connection due to the despair. I felt like I didn’t know what to do, so I picked up the Quran to read my favorite surah, Surah Yusuf.
I read 4 pages in about 1.5 hours, and I was pouring out emotions and tears of sadness, and hurt. It felt like an amazing release.
I tried to take a nap, but the despair feelings were soon to return. It wasn’t long where I felt the same dehabilitating despair feelings. It was weighing me down in asr prayer, where I felt barely able to get through the prayer, and I felt too much despair to make it through.
I felt no other option than to turn back to my weapon against despair: Surah Yusuf. I finished the surah. And I was balling with positive emotions. So many emotions of sadness was pouring out of my heart, and by the time I got to the du’a, I really felt my iman being more complete in my Rabb.
I fell into another rut with the clash between punishment and compassion, an age old conflict I have been dealing with, to the point of collapse.
I made a desperate dua, begging for ??? ????? = Confidence in Allah’s justice. I felt more desperate for it than anything else.
Then as I was walking to Isha, something inside me clicked regarding all the mentionings of punishment in the Quran. I’ll save it for a separate post, because it is such an important topic.
Miraculously, my tarawih prayer was pretty good, and I felt good consistent khuhsu‘ throughout.
I’ve had an exhausting day. I must have cried out a bucket of tears today. insha’Allah tomororw we continue.