Im hanging in there, hoping for victory when I check out of hotel iitikaaf. The severity I have experienced is like none other. My life and religion was on the line. As I did morning zhikr outside, my eyes filled up with tears thinking about that moment when I go back home to my family, just stand and look at my beautiful wife,
pause for a while, tears fill my eyes and I tell her, “It’s over. It’s finally over. It’s gone. It’s finally left me.”
It’s ending is sweet,aroma filled, perfumed musk. 83
I read an article, “Muslim, Bipolar, and Unmarried.” Reading her treatments, Shaitan made me feel doubtful about the positive visions that have been given to me that there is a complete cure available for all major mental disorders embedded secretly in the Quran. This severe emotional waswaseh turned away my heart from finding true guidance with the Quran with having to resort to “other” ways of addressing the root problems of self esteem and mental disorder.
But then I had such peculiar positive emotion and inspiration from this ayah:
?????? ????????????? ????? ???????? ????????????? ???????????? ?????? ??? ????????? ????? ????? ????????????? (144)
Surely I have chosen you over the people with my message and my speech, so take what I gave you and be from the grateful. 7-144
It reminded me of that ultimate cure in the Quran for self esteem problems and mental disorder. I inshAllah will share with you this special treasure when the time is right.
At zhuhr time, hanging onto iman by a shoestring. My heart felt unable to accept certain theological concepts about God and how life works. In sajdah I said explicitly, “there are concepts I just cant emotionally accept.” I made dua for acceptance.
I feel scared. Extremely What I experienced reading in and after zhuhr was too much. It was 100% pure emotions of kufr. And there was 0% separation from me and my own heart. I swear to you I literally felt complete rejection of most everything mentioned in Quran, from Allah seeing hearing me, to being all powerful. To being provided for by him. To help ultimately coming from him. To there being angels in existence.
I have been dealing with this issue for a year, but the pure kufr feeling from me was too much. Its like no separating me from it. It felt like me 150% and I felt just ready to close the book and proclaim my disbelief.
But somehow it just subsided when I kept reading and I wasnt feeling it as strongly anymore. That is what had me on edge. How could I feel something so purely ccoming from me heart yet it
wasnt me. I cant describe how real the emotions are of disbelief. ???? ?????
I got stuck in so many unimaginable evil shaitanic ruts over different ayat. I did pretty well getting through surah tauba, as I’vd had shaitanic issues earlier this month.
I received an email from Br. Nouman about a problem I had with understanding an ayah. His response didnt help me and opened up the floodgates of shaitan.
I was feeling simply awful trying to read Quran the next 2 hours. My heart was feeling enflamed and burning chest as I kept reading. Everytime I came across an ayah mentioning wrongdoers or corruption or punishment the shaitanic narrative was the same. The burning in my heart increased and chest tightness was more and sustained and my Quran reading frlt simply gross and deinspirational.
At this point I had it. I felt so trapped unable to find solace. Feeling jealous at all the speakers and imams having no issue connecting with the book of Allah, and loving every minute.
I sent an email to my wife about how the stress is too much to continue. That shaitan has made my path so miserable I feel I can’t continue.
I prayed tarawih and felt much more normal and better in prayer. Then I made a heartfelt dua that I wish to have this evil idea removed from my heart completelythat Allah would ever do any injustice and be unfair to me or any other person. Because that seed that shaitan planted in me is what he is using for all these other attacks. Of “unfair punishment” or harshness. I wanted to be completely cleansed of this notion.
Well I slept till tahajjud time. And I had a much much better experience. I went in with the mindset of how evil my enemy is, how he is the major wrongdoer ruining my life and sanity and trying to ruin my din. And seeing his pure sinisterness and evil all the ayat I heard about wrongdoers, criminals, and punishment is for this evil devil who has always tried to ruin my life since childhood and now take me off the Islamic path. That is the wrongdoing criminal who deserves severe punishment. I had more strong animosity directed towards the devil and those who tske this evil thing as a friend. I felt enpowered and more angry at the devil freling secure that these ayat are his destination and he is the real criminal. Hear the last page of zukhruf. I will try to translate after Ramadan.
Right after finally having some connection in my tahhajud prayer, I thought it would be good idea to take a break from Quran till fajr prayer. I didnt want to ruin these good moments and feelings by getting bothered by other shaitanic ideas.
But as I sat waiting for suhoor, I felt evil interpretations about some ayat I just read. And I felt it bothering me more and more. Not leaving me alone. I tried to distract my mind, but the feelings lingered got worse unable to just relax take it easy. I went outside to take mind off but the feelings kept bothering me more. Then realized I need to go back and stuff more ayahs down its throat so it can shut up.
I lied down before fajr feeling its prescence unwavering feeling stuck again. Then prayed fajr and talked to neighbor and I felt better and it subsided abruptly.
Again tried to sleep but felt its presence giving me insomnia and injecting evil dialogues and visions of nonsense garbage. I cant remember the dialogue now but it was simply jibberish and a random unorganized cocktail of random events and people I remember in the past.
I got up and read more Quran. Then subsided again. I fell asleep and slept like a baby.
I was so thankful and relieved that the tool of Quran kept away this insane constant botheration that refused to go away no matter how I distracted myself.
These are the shaitanic paradoxes. I feel worse reading. But the reading saves me. I have hateful feelings doing zhikr and feel worse doing zhikr then I feel relieved doing it. I felt ready to give up reading Quran, but quran saved me from insanity and going bonkers from agony.