What I’ve been experiencing is hell. Depression to the max. Averaging around 9 / 10 on the depression scales. Feeling myself turning into an evil cold hearted person, with no goodness left. Feeling like any moment I’m ready to move on to the next phase of my life and end this one, that is moving aimlessly. It seriously has been going on way too long. Going on 3 years of terrible emotions? Seriously disabling agony in my heart and soul? Seriously…
After going through a screaming match with Allah, getting out such awful anger emotions about why this happened to me, feeling cursed in my heart, etc. I became quiet and laid down. This sometimes is the only thing I can do to try to “deal” with my depression, although I haven’t had much success. Nowadays, it seems that doing that just makes me restless. It was probably at the absolute worst it has been. No exaggeration.
But then I just noticed a change in my mood. It lightened ever so lightly. Lightening a bit. It was after I was lying down, moving from bed to bed, to ground, to the closet, lying with my kids, then with my wife, then getting frustrated cuz she was working, then by myself, and then back up to the bed. I wrote some txt messages to my sister explaining that my time bomb has set off, and I won’t be able control myself in this terrible evil that comes about with depression. But then as I was talking to myself or having that banter with Allah, where my wife didn’t say anything, but just came next to me and slept. After that, I felt myself lighter. I felt myself slightly out of the most awful hopeless rut of depression evil you could ever imagine. It felt like I took one step out, and the mentality slightly changed. This was without medicine. I don’t know what did it. But the depression did go down a notch after being dangerously high for so long. I almost was able to feel myself ever so slightly, and I was able to at least say alhamdulillah for the hot food I was eating. If you looked at me earlier in the day, it wasn’t possible. The depression corroded any decency inside me and I was irrate. I recorded my emotions at the time, and man o man it’s bad.
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