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When we are connecting with ourselves, we will for sure come across a lot of hidden pain, that we were unaware of was there. That’s the nature of ocd and anxiety disorders. We rejected who we were, and did anything to cover up ourselves. Protect ourselves, establish defense mechanisms, etc. At the time, it seemed like a good thing, to do something to get rid of the pain. But oh what a mistake it was.
Pain doesn’t go away by itself. If you ignore it, it will just stay in there with you, and simmer and grow into other more awful emotions. The heart was meant to be pure, and carry good emotions, like, love, gratitude, and hope. But shaitan and company worked on us and those around us to set up an agenda.
As I’m trying to connect with my heart and soul, I find it tough many times to connect to Allah. Because inside me, I always felt dejected and rejected for who I am, so now that I am being raw with myself and my Creator, a lot of unsettled pain surfaces. When I’m facing myself, the one who I rejected and covered up my whole life, there is resentment and bitterness there unfortunately. I wish it was something different, but the reality is the reality. There’s nothing I can do to change it, except by remaining cool and calm as possible and continuing to try.
But what is important to know is the reality. That Allah didn’t create us with these feelings of worthlessness and rejection. It was people around us who made us feel that way, and we were unaware.
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And before, in the past, you were, without a doubt, oblivious. 12:3
We fully believe that it was WE who had the problem. However, it was never us. It was other people, influenced by the Deceiver.
?When you are truly dig down deep into your soul, the root pain and the people who were responsible for causing the pain becomes manifest. In western psych terms, it goes from the realm of the “unconscious to the conscious.” And after getting to this point, then the pain and hurt can be directed to it’s proper place. Instead of being directed towards yourself as being inherently the problem, which in turn makes you upset at the One who created you “that way” you start to see things clearer, that it was other people’s attitudes and opinions that you internalized as being you all along. Once put in the proper place, your heart and self-acceptance can start to solidify and your love and realization of your Caretaker and Sustainer can start to take root in your heart.
May Allah make us love for His sake, and have anger for His sake, and work for His sake. Ameen