I woke up around 4 a.m. this morning. I folowed the sunnah and prayed tahajjud. Tahajjud at time where the hadiths mention that Allah is closest to you in answering your prayers and wanting you to come closer to him so He can come closer to you.
To illustrate the hideousness of my condition, let me share with you some of what I felt this night.
I had an urge to throw the مصحف out of my hand and chuck it on the bed. Then, when Allah mentioned forgiveness. this despair came in and I blurted out in the middle of prayer: “I don’t want to be forgiven!” And finally, I felt very restless in the prayer, that I felt like rushing through reciting as fast as I could so wouldn’t feel any more discomfort and emotional suffering.
What makes all of this all the more worse is realizing that thees are coming from my own corrupt emotions in my heart. To think that these are my emotions makes me feel worse. To think that I’m feeling shaitan’s emotions was much more hopeful because at least I could separate myself from the emotions and realize that the evil shaitan is the corrupt one, and not me. I mean it made more logical sense, because why would I have such kufr emotions? It’s really depressing to think that these emotions are coming from my own heart.
Back when I was clearing dealing with the shamanic influence over my emotions before, it was easier to separate and justify. Now that I feel its only the depression, I’m more depressed thinking these emotions are coming from my own corrupt depressed heart.
Where instead of feeling a sense of humility in praying in the last third of the night. I’m rushing through the Quran just trying to get through it. I do this because I don’t feel good when praying. But as I do this, I think to the Hadith where there are people who don’t get anything out of their prayers except exhaustion and sleeplessness.
I feel 100% I’m from that category because of my absolute lack of quality in prayer. Then I wonder, why can’t I ever get any quality in my prayer anymore?
When I thought about leading my parents in fajr this morning, the depression despair came in again and the truth was I flat out didn’t want to lead them in prayer. I had some inner conflict and despair deep inside me when it came to leading them in prayer. That depression reaction is what prevented me from just ignoring the emotions and going out there and doing it like I used to.