The darkness of depression is dismal. It is dark. almost completely dark.
I have such severe soul pains all day long, that I’m hoping and wishing that would come out of my soul in the form of tears. Yet, I seem to be unable to do that, and have constant terrible painful feelings and thoughts repeat.
I am aware of hope in my soul, and believing in yourself are keys, but these pains seem to have no end and at other times seem to get so penetrating that it seems unable to go down.
But other times, very occasionally, I still feel a bit of peace in prayer, or at least I feel neutral, which makes me plummit forward.
There is nothing that I have ever experienced that is more faith draining than this soul penetrating depression. Hope in myself in this deep, quicksand of despair and depression, severe painful feelings whatever I do, of “not being good enough,” or “It’s always my fault,” playing over and over again.
I’ve had such severe emotional pain inside, feeling so much pain trying to pray, with an increase in pain, and increase in feeling distance from Allah, I have never felt more abandoned in all my life. And I’m not sure what Allah wants of me, to maintain my faith, except for the idea of not despairing over my soul. Having hope in my soul is curative and restorative, yet, I dont seem to be able to release my soul pains in the form of tears on my will. instead, I have this blockade on my heart, that keeps pain bottled up inside, with my soul not being able to release the pain. And sometimes the worst triggers is when I want to badly feel good in prayer again, but when I pray, I feel such severe soul pains and feelings of “not being good enough.” that my soul pains increase after the prayer, and I’m left even more miserable, wondering how it is I can connect to Allah again, and get the iman and khushu’ boost to make me enjoy my life like I used to have a consistent basis.
These soul pains kill faith. I hope there’s a way to release them and feel your self and feel your creator and enjoy your faith again. Let me know if other’s are experiencing something similar and let me know what you’ve done about it.