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Today again, I fell into one of the most miserable, severe despairs I have ever before experienced. This despair, for those who have been following, is primarily spiritual, in my relationship with God and the Quran, and studies.
I experienced today some of the most irrational emotions ever. I was so incredibly irrational emotionally I was dumbfounded, astonished, and completely stupefied about how how illogical my emotions were. May Allah forgive me for this despair I had this morning. but just to display to you the illogic:
“Allah is going to punish me…”
“I feel pain.”
“Why do you feel the pain though.”
“Because Allah is going to punish me and he rejected me.”
I tried to rationally look at it, but the emotions of despair were so deeply set inside me, that this was the only miserable conclusions I could make. And I was completely in a state of despair, or as the Quranic terminology goes: ????? ?? ??? ???? . (Y’as)
I fell into such a evil and disabled emotional state, that I felt like I couldn’t survive another moment. I fell into this severe stress burden and anxiety that made me feel that it was too difficult to pray another prayer. Why? Because if I didn’t pray the prayer, Allah would punish me. And that is the case for each additional prayer, and there are 5 prayers EVERY DAY. I was even feeling that about any obligation in general in the religion. And I felt like I would collapse with the stress of “obligation” or else I will be “rejected.”
This was all a product of the severe Y’as (Despair) that fell into.
But do I feel like this now? Nope!
What happened? Well, I tried repeating something that I spoke about in my post on the Hope/Despair Phenomenon. Because of how evil and awful my emotions of despair were making me feel, completely antithetical to a muslim’s heart and emotional state, I felt that I had no choice but to do something drastically different. I logically reasoned that if this despair emotion is causing me to feel these terrible irrational feelings, then I should use the opposite emotion of hope to extinguish the emotion and irrationality.
I paid the price for a little while, and I felt a shaitanic despair influence making me feel disabled for a while, and that’s when I turned to the Quran to fight it off.
Then I just kept going with just feeling hopeful in the feelings of despair I had in my heart for various things. Like feeling the despair over my Quran, I displaced it with hope that it will improve. Or seeing my school bag and having that despair, displacing it with the hope emotion expecting the despair emotion to slowly extinguish.
And to my delight, I noticed that it did prove to be helpful and effective, both for diminishing the despair, as well as bringing logic and rationality to my thinking. I was no longer feeling this severe painful irrationality, but was more clear, focused and logical.
On top of this, something else amazing happened. I continued to use the hope emotion on other despair feelings I had while at the Grocery Store, and to my surprise, I was able to feel sadness all the way from my deep past with my mom! Yes. some despair I had nearly 30 years ago, by giving it the antidote of hope, I was able to actually feel the roots and seeds of sadness that started with mom. It actually was UNCOVERED and not hidden in my subconscious. But just an innocent heart, feeling sad about something mommy did way back when. And my heart sealed it with the pain and despair of not knowing how to deal with it.
A couple of examples here:
1. I was trying to convince my wife to come with us to the store. But she didn’t want to. She wanted to rest at home. I felt this upsetness and despair over it. So I just tried to extinguish it with having hope in my heart, and I was able to see the underlying sadness inside my heart. It was a sadness underlying that whenever I wanted to do something, Mom never accepted it. And her refusal to come or support me equates to her disapproval, because it isn’t what she wants.
2. When I was choosing the meats, my ocd was having to make sure it was the correct New Zealand Beef instead of Australian. Underneath that, I could feel despair over something. So I applied hope to the despair, and an underlying sadness came out. The pain and sadness of not choosing the correct one, which sadness was still there from mom, who always would criticize things that weren’t up to her standard.
Like this, things were getting uncovered that I was not aware of due to the seals of despair covering these hidden pains and sadnesses.
This my friends, I feel is a breakthrough to the CBT paradigm. It is affirming what I had already experienced, namely that simple affirmations and thought swapping will eventually change your beliefs by altering neural networks in the brain. But human nature, the human experience, and Religious scripture all confirm that the heart is the location of all our beliefs. And if our hearts are shrouded with despair and other emotions, we won’t be able to access the sadness and true beliefs we have inside to see if they are valid so we can move on with our lives, to where we can actually believe in the truth and sincerely forgive and forget after getting over them.