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I was questioning myself yesterday. I had become so angry and upset inside towards my religion. I felt that I fell completely into the dark side, with the state of my heart. My heart and mind took a beating, and some of the worst irrationality I have experienced was coming out. I felt this repulsion and inability to read Quran because I was completely feeling the ayat of kufr and disbelief were condemning me and talking about me. Oh the perils of despair. The irrationality of despair!
This morning, after having another stressful experience with more verses of kufr. I went to the pool at my gym, where I felt all around me the peace and comfort of the environment. Poolside, sitting on the beach chair, breathing in the nice pool air. I was actually able to just be and feel the moment, Feeling peace around me. And feel that this exactly what it means that Allah is the source of Peace.
The name of Allah, As-Salam came to me.
As-Salam = The Source of Peace.
All the relaxing and peaceful environments we experienced growing up. If you take a step back and notice the tranquility in the enviornment, despite the noise being made in some places of people doing things making a racket. Like going to the park in the evening, or watching. Or at the poolside like where I was today. These are all manifestations of the peace that is coming from the Source of Peace.
As I was soaking in the peaceful scenary and aromas from the poolside, I found myself living in the moment, and having the sense of peace and tranquility of As-Salam descend into my heart. And I was able to see things with this vision of peace. It’s like taking a step back, viewing the peace from a birds eye view, attributing the peace to the Source of Peace, and the tranquility descended into my heart, and what a peaceful moment.
Now I know what could be going in your head. Probably the same thing that has gone through my head many a time. What about the severe stress and agony from reading the Quran? So much tough time from reading, so much stress you feel like you will be losing your life to the stress and burden. Then after praying and feeling so much stress, we have to say, “Oh Allah, you are the Source of peace, and from you comes the peace.” I know, it almost feels like a slap in the face and could have potential to make you even more resentful and upset by the book belonging to As-Salam making you feel utmost stress. But even in my severe negative emotion, I too have experienced beautiful emotions with Quran, and the design of the Quran is only to make us feel peace. Like I have mentioned on numerous occasions. It’s only supposed to keep you motivated, and give people a healthy sense of humility and fear, the type of fear that makes you feel better, and belittles and eliminates anxiety.