I woke up, after a slightly more manageable day, although every day I feel these soul stinging and paining depressions, no matter what activity I engage in, and I have felt so awful with these soul stinging in the dead center of my heart, when I try to pray or read quran, that has been there for I don’t know how long.
Yesterday, I prayed all my prayers, though I still felt the terrible stinging pains in my heart. I tried my best to attribute it to the depression inside me.
I woke up this morning, feeling the depression pains in my heart, the feelings that my soul was cringing from pain, and I thought about how I had so many dreams of having a great family life, because I had my faith and religion to keep me alive. Love of learning Islam, reading and memorizing Quran. Studying and frequenting the masajid. Having good relationships. Instilling the love of Allah and the Messenger through my own love and actions as a role model for my sons and family.
But thinking about where I am now, with major depression, not wanting to get out of bed, and interact, because of these soul pains. Having trouble even praying and reading any Quran, let alone books of knowledge. And now having emotions completely opposite to that of a muslim, with soul stinging depression, and emotions that contradict basic tenets of faith. How am I going to be a role model for my sons?; where I”m a leader of my family, and showing them the way of religion, because the best way to teach and instill a love of religion or anything for that matter is through example? What type of example am I setting for my son and family? All of these feelings, were increasing the soul stinging pains of depression, where I was getting worse and just wished I disappeared from life, so I wouldn’t have to jeopardize and negatively affect other peoples’ lives in a negative way, namely my own beautiful family.
Then I got up, and prayed fajr, wondering like usual how painful the prayer will be. I prayed, then I got to the critical ayah. The verse, that comes after a healthy management of deep emotional sadness right before.
? ?? ?????? ?? ??? ????
And don’t despair of the, “???” of Allah.
I just stopped in my fajr prayer, and feeling the core roots of my depression being pinpointed, and the pains in the soul, coming out as tears. Because this ayah was speaking directly to my depression. What was coming to me, was that this ayah is precisely summarizing the whole disease of depression itself; the complete essence of depression. The root issue of depression. This one verse summarizes what depression is.
As I clarified in EA’s TAKE on Depression, The tafseers explain ??? , “Roh”? to mean “soothing compassion,” or “relief,” to name a couple, and I don’t disagree with this at all, especially when you look at the literal context of the story. But I continue to maintain through logic, inspiration, and positive emotional experience, that this surah has a unique interpretation specifically catered to the epidemic of psychological disorder, and the theme is consistent through the surah. According to this view the ??? is referring to the soul or spirit of a person, which in the Arabic language is, ????? (pronounced – “Ruh”). When a person has fallen into despair so much of who they are as a person, they have depression, which I can attest to.
Depression, according to the Quran, based on my experiences of having amazing iman and love of Quran and knowledge, to what I have now with this completely wretched depression is what has been revealed to me, is summarized by Chapter 12 Verse 87 of the Quran.
? ?? ?????? ?? ??? ????
And Don’t Despair of the Roh of Allah
A complete, and utter despair and hopelessness, not just in something, but in your own spirit. Your own soul. Who you are. When I think about myself, I feel nothing but pain. The pain that has taken the place of my spirit. A spirit inside me that is completely wounded with pains.
And God instructs us with depression to “NOT DESPAIR of this SPIRIT inside you, of who you are.” Also note that it’s attributed to Himself. Like it is the Spirit which belongs to Allah. Easier said than done. Incredibly difficult I know, because the pain stays with me and is so pervasive through every event and interaction of the day. But at least I can know that this condition is addressed in the Quran, and a general instruction for dealing with depression is prescribed, though I have not been successful or in touch with my self and the emotional pains of the soul enough to see sustaining results. But maybe the results will change soon? Maybe I will see my heart and soul soften from this painful depression with the tears and deeply stuck desire to cry out oceans of tears to ease the hurt of my own wounded spirit and soul will become manifest