One of the most awful fears I’m dealing with these days is a paranoia that I’m not a true believer. Shaitan has exploited this possibility to the max for me. And it has led to so much anxiety, anguish, and demotivation.
I wake up this morning, feeling so uneasy about my iman, that I don’t even look forward to praying. “It’s too much pressure” I feel because of the intense anxiety associated with thinking that I’m not a believer.
These days, when I don’t feel some khushu’ in my salah, then I’m fall into my paranoia that I’ve lost my iman, and I lose all confidence in my relationship with Allah. Then you know what happens next; the doors of evil thoughts about Allah start creeping in, that there is no response to my desperate pleas for iman and yaqeen, and that I’ll be left to the curb and shaitan, to be eaten alive and to wither away falling into more doubts and kufr.
It feels like your heart has been captured and it is transformed into an evil counterpart. To the point where you feel kufr feelings like, “Oh man, here goes so and so making du’a again, it’s so useless and doesn’t work.” It’s one thing to simply dismiss the thoughts as Shaitan, but it becomes exponentially harder to do so when you are feeling these thoughts as if it is emanating straight from your heart. With anxiety, it FEELS like it is you completely. At least that’s the experience I’m struggling with.
And to think that puts you in the ultimate despair mode. You are so desperate for a healthy heart, for a heart that has full iman and yaqeen in Allah, that is full of gratitude and trust in Allah, and you are making so much du’a for that, yet, you are instead feeling these feelings of kufr.
So what to do? I’m so worried about it, and making so much du’a, but it just persists? At times, it leads to more evil thinking about Allah, like “He doesn’t care to answer your du’a, or it is a figment of your imagination that du’as get answered. Or Why does He want to leave you here suffering with Shaitan, when you keep seeking protection from Shaitan daily? His protection must is pretty weak.”
But in general, the status quo remains the same. So what can we do? Here’s a simple suggestion.
Why don’t we actually TRUST Allah?
“Oh easier said than done?” I know, trust me. But taking it step by step. STEP 1: Trust Allah that He will protect you from becoming a kafir. You don’t want to become a kafir. You hate and fear the idea of becoming one. So why not fully trust that your Rabb will protect you from it. And truly try to believe that. That He will not waste your iman after guiding you to Islam. This way, we may be able to let this anxiety go about always risking falling into kufr and becoming a kafir. This paranoia as Allah as my witness has never led me to feeling or getting closer to Allah. It has always pushed me away, and made me feel despair, and opened up the flood gates of the devil.
Since we know from the anxiety disorder experts like Jim Folk, that fear is what is fueling our anxiety, when we keep on fearing and being paranoid and trying to figure out what to do to solve our iman problems and to free ourselves from kufr, that is keeping our bizzarre state of anxiety disorder running strong.
Try to believe that Allah is your Protecting Friend, He cares about you, and He will take care of your affairs of iman. I see it as a great starting place to develop our tawakkul. Who’s in for the challenge? Let me hear you below in the comments.