??? ???? ?????? ??????
Overall, there has been such an amazing turn around since last post. Last post, I left you with utter feelings of defeat, feeling that I’m nearly done with my life, feeling like I have no dhunia nor akhirah.
After several days of recovery, I miraculously feel so much better. Yes I’m still dealing with a lot of botheration and wiswaas and ridiculous ideas, and even a lot of exhaustive feelings of despair, but the feelings I’ve had reading Quran have been wonderful. It has been my weapon against these ideas. I have felt utter bliss, comfort, and tranquility from listening to the Quran. This is what has been prominent the last few days.
My tarawih experiences the last several days have been wonderful overall. When the words of Quran finally penetrate your heart, and you are understanding, feeling iman, and feeling that utter taste of paradise in your heart from reciting, the feeling is irreplaceable.
Yet, at the same time, I still feel bothered, and feel strange awful feelings too. Feeling anger, hatred rejection to certain concepts enbedded in Islam. There is still a resistive force at play inside me. And I feel it for sure.
I slowed down my reading, primarily because I have dealt with severe amounts of despair the last couple days. A dehabilitating despair over my past life, my soul, over what happened to me. It gets so strong at times, that I seem unable to enjoy much of anything. It’s so strong that I sometimes feel like I won’t ever get over these emotions.
In these deep despair “sessions”, I find nothing more suitable for me than to stick to the secret weapon, Surah Yusuf; containing direct and applicable advice addressing my painful past experiences, and the hurt I dealt with. Such incredible penetration to the core of my heart, that it becomes an undeniable answer to all the feelings of hurt resentment, and sorrow I experienced for a lifetime, or the trauma I internalized growing up, that lead to my limiting beliefs of worthlessness, perfectionism, and later on developing the anxiety disorder. I spent lots of time with different ayat in this surah, bringing out of me such intense emotions of sorrow and tears from my past, bringing out of me, my true self, that has been covered up for years. I feel that i can’t get enough of it, because it is addressing my core issues of worthlessness, and those severe emotional pains from the past, locked up in my heart.
Today marks the beginning of the last 10 nights of Ramadan, the greatest nights of the year. What I decided to do, was go for i’tikaaf, where I would stay in the masjid for the last 10 nights, sleep there, eat there, and do ibadah. Like what this challenge is all about, it is kicking out the jinn influences by getting closer to the Quran, as I mentioned in the Ramadan Challenge Half Time Report.
I am feeling much more normal then I was earlier in Ramadan, and I am seeing a lot of good with my postivie feelings in reading and in tarawih, and I hope to really gain more grounding and become victourious over this shaitanic influence by the end. Keep rooting for me with your dua’s.