I know the ayat. But Its so hard for me to avoid it. Despair. The last ayah I heard tonight in fajr prayer.
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And those who have rejected the signs of Allah and His meeting are the ones who have truly despaired in my Compassion and for them is a painful punishment.
I have to hold myself back from despairing more as I write that ayah because I have this evil quality. Its such a vicious cycle. Its the Deadly Despair Dungeon. And its hard to get out once you get stuck. In it.
I woke up this morning after a good last night feeling that severe nostalgia about those ideal times I had with my family growing up. It seems that Every morning I have been dealing with these feelings of dehabilitating nostalgia. If only I could have shukr for all those good times.. I was thinking a bout them and trying to sort through the emotions.
I began Quran reading #3 today. things were neutral until the desi babagee stopped by to talk. (Love him btw) we were talking about iitikaaf and like our own desi parents from pakistan and India, they all feel that iitikaaf is restricted and off limits, like the person doing it is completely inaccessiblle and cant leave masjid or communicate under any circumstances, even in emergency cases.
When I told the babagee about my plan to go home on jumua to shower up and regroup, his tone was quite concerned that something very wrong is happening by doing that. And he was stressing I stay in the masjid with showers in house. Only thing was I didnt come prepared with all the stuff.
That was when his ideas rubbed off on my shaitan jinn, and it became a major source of burden for me, feeling trapped and restricted from every angle even if I felt I needed to get out. I was trying to dismiss it but the pressure on my chest wasnt easing up and the pressure headache wasnt going away for about 40 mins.
I decided to take a break from Quran reading and listen to a tafseer of Surah Rahman to get my heart connected to the most compassionate.
Well, the brother’s explanation certainly didn’t lighten my load as I had expected. His discussion about balance felt to me a major burden. Rather than feeling compassion, he was critical about how off balance all of us humans are and inferring that its not how we should be, from talking about people with potbellies to young people age 40 out of shape, to people being ocd with wanting to study religion and ignore other obligations. He listed many obligations we have to fulfill.
I felt that with my imbalanced emotional and physical state having difficulty maintaining balance even though I want to, he was condemning me indirectly.
And I was feeling pushed away from quran by him where i felt completely demotivated to pray asr by all the burdens that he was loading onto me in the name of religion; in the name of Rahman. It made me feel so dejected and unworthy that Im not up to thd Quranic standard that God wanted for me. It made me feel that im doing something wrong by sitting in masjid doing iitikaaf just reading Quran to fight my jinn problem and seek healing.
These feelings became so severe that I had to crash nap for an hour. I had so much animosity and hatred inside that I wanted to curse the brother for making me feel pushed away from Quran instead of bringing me closer. For making me feel Im not good enough.
It turned out that these feelings were in fact influenced by the Jjinn issue. Because when I was reading more Quran afterwards my feelings subsided and eventually felt so comforted by the words feeling iman go up and the anger vanish.
After maghrib I read quran and felt ugly feelings of burning and disconnect that wasnt going away and felt demotivated again.
Then the last major crisis of the night. Hearing the ayah
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Except the one who comes to Allah with a healthy heart.
I’ve had trouble with this ayah for a long time. Basically my feeling is that I will only be acceptable to God if I have a purified heart which for sure is not the case now. And I feel rejected and unacceptable as a result. With the Jinn influence the feelings become even more severe than normal.
This sent me into despair misery again, where it dehabilitated me and paralyzed me. I just was so fed up that I just want to address this core belief I have about being unacceptable/rejected for having shortcomings/weaknesses. That is the underlying issue. Problem is, I cant tap into the source of why I feel that way. I just logically know it stems from the relationship with my perfectionist mother.
As I was trying to rest, I was feeling terrible burning from Jinn it getting considerably worse.
The despair became severe to the level of feeling repulsion in hearing ayat, to feeling deadness and no iman feelings, like in tahajjud prayer, the imam spending long time in sujood and im feeling so emotionally dead and repelled from the idea of my creator that rather than feeling humility and love for my Creator, I literally am saying in the sajdah “when can I get out of this position” because of my feelings of rejection not feeling accepted.
It was after this that I was taught a hard lesson about falling into the major trap and prohibition of despair.
Despair is poison for your iman. It is the worst emotional state to be in. It’s like
tar or quicksand. Once you go in it becomes extremely difficult to get out.
I decided to just stop fueling it with more poisonous despair, no matter how pathetic my emotional connection was to Allah and Quran at the time. I need to let the fires of despair cool off. The more I despair the worse I get.
This was a liong post I wanted to document and update you about in my Ramadan Challenge.