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I am recovering from the most severe time in Ramadan. I fell into a suicidal state yesterday. I still have been reading and feeling quite awful, and falling into terrible confusions about the way the Quran addressed me, keeping in mind Allah is Al-Rahman.
I was feeling awful reading Quran, always feeling blamed and criticized and feeling like I am guilty of having some characteristics mentioned. I was really down. Then we went to an iftar party, and this is where it got much worse. At this point, I completely have nothing to say, and I feel miserable in life, miserable in my experience with religion. It doesn’t make for good socializing. I had no feelings of honor or gratitude for what I was doing with my life in being a full time student. I had been seriously considering leaving the student life, because I just don’t feel cut out for it. Just not able to have a good consistent relationship with the Quran. Feeling so much agony, stress, and grudges building up. And topping it off, I felt so incredible anxious in the social gathering, feeling loads of anxiety and stress. I wanted out, but as I went to the masjid, I was thinking about, “what am I turning to?” I am feeling so stressed in turning to religion and Allah, and I have no avenue in the dhunia to feel good, what can I do, or where can I go? It was a complete feeling of entrappment, feeling stuck between a rock and a hard place. It was in the midst of these severe social anxiety that I felt suicidal. I wanted to lay down on the street I was crossing to maghreb and just be over it. I made a du’a in maghrib, “that if I am going to feel like this the rest of my life, to please take me.” The agony and unhappiness I was experiencing was sky high.
After iftar, I was just sitting there and as people left, I was talking a bit more to the host which was better. Then I joined the salah for isha and tarawih. The imam was reciting Surah Yusuf, but my emotional state was simply too awful. I was feeling such severe amounts of despair that i was feeling repulsions to hearing the Quran. I wanted to just break the Salah right there and then and walk off. Suffice it to say, the feelings were terrible, and completely non characteristic of anything iman-like. It is the terrible despair trap, that leads to kufr.
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Indeed, no one despairs of the Soothing Compassion of Allah except for the disbelieving people. 12
And I was experiencing the effects of despair first hand. Too much despair leads to rejection of the ayat of the Quran. Avoid it like the plague.
I came home looking for a muslim suicide hotline, because I felt like I have no way out of this plight, with my desire to get closer to Allah, yet feeling unsuccessful and pushed away. I talked to my wife instead.
Today, I was struggling big time with feeling completely disconnected and feeling severe amounts of waswaawis in reading. I was very scared to read, for fear of feeling pushed away by another ayah, or feeling rejected and then falling into despair again. I just want to feel positive connections with Allah’s book, that’s all.
I fell into a severe trap with one ayah at the end of Surah Muhammad, where I felt so awful and felt rejected from it, that I wanted to scream and felt so much resentment and grudges building up unfortunately. I went home and listened to Br. Nouman’s tafsir of those ayats, and I felt a bit better. May Allah preserve and protect Br. Nouman, for the invaluable work he is doing to connect us to the Quran.
Then a major positive turning point. Br. Nouman for Ramadan this year is doing a study of Surah Rahman. I listened to it. And it just completely transformed my perspective. It brought about in me, a positive view of Allah. One of care, love, and compassion. And that is His name. And that is who taught the Quran. And this is the belief I need to maintain while approaching Allah, the Quran, and life. May Rahman give us a solid belief of Rahman in our hearts.
I took this belief with me to the Tarawih prayer, and while i was bothered slightly at first, the Salah transformed into such a blissful, enjoyable time. Where I was loving standing there, hearing the words of Al-Rahman. Feeling connected, and feeling that tranquility and khushu‘. In most of the sajdah’s making a du’a to finally internalize the name Al-Rahman. The most important name for us to internalize in our own lives to help us overcome our anxiety issues.
That was how I finished up the day today, still feeling uneasy with my relationship with the Quran, but ending on a very positive note. Hoping that this will be the way moving forward, holding on to Rahman for dear life. Reading the Quran with a conviction in this name.